My anxiety stayed up all night and solemnly sat in my teenage son's room with me while I worried about his life after his multiple suicide attempts.
My Anxiety laid next to me night after night holding my hand when my younger son was having uncontrollable seizures. Helping me to stay up all night to be sure I wouldn’t miss anything if I was needed.
My Anxiety is always there to remind me to look that new symptom up in my mom‘s illness in case there is something that can be done about it or someone I need to tell.
My anxiety is the most faithful alarm clock and calendar reminder I could ever have, helping me to be sure I don’t miss anything important that could harm the quality of life of myself or those that I love.
I always hated my anxiety and dreaded having her around until I knew that of all my emotions she was the one that was most like me. The one that would fight till her last breath to protect and help someone I love. The one that would be up all night, push past all human fatigue, rally when no one else would. My anxiety has a heart as big as mine and for the first time in my life I am learning to love her.
I am saddened by all the times I was mean to her. All the times I secretly hated her and wished she would die.
I plugged my ears when she tried to warn me, tried to drown her words out with distractions, only making her shout even louder. I would see her coming and turn and run the other direction. I spent hours every day trying to plot how to avoid her. Always searching through my strategies to determine which weapon would be best to kill her when I saw her.
How is it possible it took me this long to finally realize that all this time she was on my team, had my back, sharing the same goals.
My Anxiety is a little girl, a stubborn girl who’s been beaten and torn. She has dirt on her face and bruises but she gets up every single day to fight for me with fierce love and determination.
No matter how many times I have shoved her away, run from her and wished her harm she has never left me, will never leave me. I am learning to be grateful that in my darkest hours, she will always be present helping me silently prepare to be my smartest, strongest, fastest self to face whatever battles may come. Together.
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